


Letters to Tōru

by OIKAWAHAJIME13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Diary/Journal, Divorce, High School, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage, POV Iwaizumi Hajime, Pining, Post-Olympics, Post-Time Skip, Pre-Time Skip, iwaizumi swears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28137915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OIKAWAHAJIME13/pseuds/OIKAWAHAJIME13
Summary: Unsent letters from the journal of Iwaizumi Hajime.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru/Oc
Comments: 8
Kudos: 112





	Letters to Tōru

Hi...

You confessed to me today. And I think I reacted badly. I’m sorry. But why? Why did you do that? Why do you like me? Why me? 

Iwaizumi 

—

Hi ‘Kawa,

You’re acting like you didn’t just confess your love for me. Trying to pretend things are normal. It’s like nothing has changed but for me, everything is different. I’m not supposed to even be thinking about you like this. 

From: Iwaizumi 

—

Hi Oikawa, 

You told me you are leaving today, to go chase your dreams in Argentina with coach Blanco. Is this because of me? Did I push you to leave? I think I might accept the offer from UCI. At least it puts me closer to you. 

From: Iwaizumi 

—

Hi Oikawa,

We graduated today. When you hugged me, it felt like coming home. I’m so proud of you, Oikawa.

From: Iwaizumi 

—

Hi ‘Kawa, 

You left for Argentina today. I’m still pissed you didn’t let me come to the airport and we had to have that lame-ass goodbye last night. You murmured something but I didn’t catch it. Was it important? It feels weird to see your window dark. What am I supposed to do all summer when all I can think about is you. 

I miss you. 

Iwa-chan 

—

Hi Shittykawa, 

California is really weird. The Americans talk so fast and eat insane portions of food. I wish you would answer my messages. I hope you’re doing well. 

From: Iwaizumi 

—

Oikawa, 

I saw the picture of you with your new friends on Insta. I hope you’re having fun. I miss you. 

From: Iwaizumi 

—

Oikawa: 

I did something today. And it’s making me rethink some things. Call when you can.

Iwa

—

Hi Oikawa,

You called today and it actually felt normal, until you mentioned dating. I’ve tried to date, but it’s weird because they aren’t you and I don’t know why that makes me so mad. It sounds like you are dating whoever you want. I’m glad you get to do that. 

Iwa-chan 

—

Hi ‘Kawa, 

I figured out why it makes me so mad. I wish I would have known this about myself last year. I’m really sorry. 

Iwa-Chan 

—

Hi ‘Kawa, 

That last letter was vague. I’m bisexual. And I kissed a boy at a party last week. And it’s all I can think about. I wonder what it would be like to kiss you.

From: Iwaizumi Hajime (bisexual)

—

Oikawa, 

We Skyped last night. I was going to tell you but then the voice off the screen started talking in Spanish and your responding smile was breathtaking. I’m glad you’ve found someone who can make you happy in Argentina. I’m not going to ruin that. 

Iwaizumi

—

Hi ‘Kawa, 

It’s been a year since we’ve seen each other in person and I fly to Argentina tomorrow. Makki and Mattsun are meeting us there so hopefully it will feel like old times.

Iwaizumi 

—

To Oikawa Fucking Tōru, 

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OVER YOU WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE THAT? You’re tan and taller and broader. And your arms, fuck. Your trainer is doing amazing work. How are you so confident? You kissed Sebastian in front of us and you hold his hand without fear. I wish to be as brave as you. 

Iwaizumi Hajime (tortured soul) 

—  
Oikawa, 

You called me your first love today in front of Sebastian like it was something from the past. I think I felt my heartbreak. 

But for me, it’s very much still in the present. 

Hajime 

—

Tōru, 

I lied to you today. It might have been the first lie I’ve ever told you. You asked if I was happy. And I said yes.

I’m not happy. I’m miserable. Because you told

Sebastián you loved him in front of me today.

I don’t think you’ll ever be mine. 

Hajime

—

Tōru,

I’m going to do my best to get over you because I can’t go on like this. Makki said Sebastián mentioned marriage in front of him. If you do get married, don’t ask me to be your best man. Please. 

Hajime 

—

Dear Tōru, 

My teenage self was quite angsty. I just found this journal as I move into my new apartment in Irvine.

Three years have passed. You married Sebastian last summer. I sat in the audience and watched you marry the love of your life. 

Wishing you all the happiness in the world! 

Hajime

—

Dear Tōru, 

I’ve just been offered my dream job to work for the Japanese National Team. Looks like we are

going to be competing against each other again soon, Mr. Starting Setter for Argentina. I tried to call but you didn’t pick up. 

Hajime 

—

Dear Tōru, 

Makki told me that you and Sebastian have separated. Secretly, I’m ecstatic. He never appreciated your love of volleyball. I know you are hurting but please take care of yourself. 

Hajime

—

Dear Tōru, 

I saw that you were awarded the MVP of the Argentine Volleyball League. You are finally being recognized for all of your hard work. I wish Japan would have noticed. 

Hajime 

—

Dear Tōru,

The Olympics start later this summer and we might actually have a chance to talk for the first time in years. You used to be my best friend but distance and heartache seem to have severed our connection. I’ll always remember our younger years fondly. 

Sincerely, 

Hajime 

—

Shittykawa, 

How the fuck can you serve the ball 128kmh? You’re gonna break someone’s arms. Congrats on making it through the first round. 

Iwa

—

Dear Tōru, 

I was glad we got to catch up yesterday. You finally look good again. The bags that were under your eyes the first year after the divorce are now gone. We felt almost normal for the first time in 8 years.

Hajime 

—

Dear Tōru, 

The monster generation is going to destroy you tomorrow. 

*smirk* 

Hajime 

—

Dear Tōru, 

Well. Never mind. 

Hajime 

—

Dear Golden Boy, 

You deserve the world but I hope the gold medal helps. 

Iwa-chan 

—

Dear Tōru, 

This is going to be my last letter to you.

We arrived at the vacation house today. The four of us together again after nearly 8 years of being apart. Sometimes it’s like we are back in high school; other times it’s like we don’t know what to say or how to act. 

My feelings for you have come rushing back. Every smile, every laugh, every wink you send my way makes me feel alive. I’m afraid I’m going to say something to give myself away. Or that Hiro and Issei will take a joke too far and I won’t respond correctly and you will find out. 

I think my feelings started long before you confessed but I hid them behind the excuse of friendship. I think I will always love you. 

With all my heart, 

Haji 

——

“Iwaizumi Fucking Hajime, what the hell is this?” 

Iwaizumi is pulled out his poolside slumber by Oikawa’s screeches from inside the vacation house. 

Oikawa had proposed a vacation for the Seijoh 4 to reconnect after the Olympics. He, of course, was footing the bill. Gold medal winning superstars have more money to throw around than the rest of them. 

It’s been great to relax after a chaotic two years of Olympic prep. 

Oikawa throws something at his chest and Iwaizumi’s heart drops. There are on his chest was the journal. The journal of unsent love letters to Tōru. Oh fuck. 

“Where did you find this?” Iwaizumi asks, his pulse accelerating at a pace that cannot be healthy. 

The glare Oikawa sends him makes his gut churn. 

“I went to grab your sunscreen because you were starting to burn out here and this was sitting open next to the bottle. Now explain.” Oikawa is practically screeching at this point. 

“I can explain-“ he starts but Oikawa’s already rampaging. Iwaizumi notices Makki and Mattsun discreetly head back inside, leaving the door open so they can still eavesdrop. 

“Oh, please do, you, you asshole. Please explain how apparently you are bisexual and are in love with me but never told me and then let me get married to someone else?!?”

“Umm where do I start?” 

“How about at the beginning. Why did you reject me all those years ago! 

Iwaizumi sits up with a sigh, “Sit down, Tōru. This is going to take some time.”

With a huff, Oikawa sits next to him on the lounge chair. 

Taking a deep breath, Iwaizumi starts at the beginning, “My mom always told me that I was destined to have a nice Japanese wife and give her lots of grandchildren. That’s what we were both taught. Liking men was never even something I considered in high school because it wasn’t an option. And then you came along and destroyed my world view. You confessed. And I was a mess. I was having thoughts that I didn’t think were allowed. I couldn’t fathom a relationship with a man, even if that man was you. But you changed all of that.” 

A smile crosses Iwaizumi’s face as he continues,”You went to Argentina where it was safe for you to be free; to kiss girls and guys and learn about your sexuality. It took me longer to figure it out. That kissing men felt okay. That it felt good. And I wanted to tell you. I was going to that first trip to Argentina. But you were dating Sebastian.” 

A tear drops down Oikawa’s cheek, Iwaizumi reflecting wiping it away with the pad of his thumb. 

“Gods, Tōru, You were so fucking hot and I was dumbstruck by your beauty. But you weren’t available. And I let it be. I think you actually broke my heart the first time when you called me your first love.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Oikawa hisses, tears running down his cheeks. 

Iwaizumi gives a wry smile, “You were happy and that’s all that mattered to me.” 

“But I would have left-“ 

Oikawa’s words were cut off by Iwaizumi’s finger pushing against them. 

“Don’t finish that thought. You would have hated yourself for treating Sebastian like that. I wasn’t going to steal you away from someone else, like you were an object to be coveted. So I let it happen. I let you marry Sebastian and I chose to come back to Japan.”

“Hajime, we could have had all these years-“ 

Iwaizumi shakes his head, “I think this is what needed to happen. You found love in Argentina and grew so confident in your sexuality and I figured out mine and chased my dreams back to Japan. I wouldn’t have done that if we were together. We needed to grow into ourselves and who we were destined to be.”

A silence falls between them. Iwaizumi waits for Tōru to say something. The other man suddenly looks up and his beautiful brown eyes are trained right on Hajime’s green ones.

“Okay.” 

Well that was anticlimactic. 

“What’s okay?” Iwaizumi asks.

Tōru sighs, wiping the remnants of his tears away, “I still think you should have at least told me you were bi but I can accept your explanation. So what happens now?” 

Hajime has thought about this moment for years. The moment where he might actually have a chance with this man. 

“Now, I’ll write you letters and actually send them. I’m not going to hide my feelings for you anymore but we don’t know each other like we used to, Tōru. I want to learn every little thing about you. I want a chance to win your heart back. I want a fresh start.” 

Tōru, sun-kissed, strong and confident, holds out his hand with a sly smile on his face, “Hi handsome, my name's Tōru. Come here often?” 

Hajime laughs, grabbing Tōru’s hand and pulling it up to his lips, to place a gentle kiss on the backside of his hand, “Hi Tōru, my name is Hajime. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I think I’ll be coming here a lot more.” 

The faint blush that spreads across Tōru’s cheeks is enough to make Iwaizumi grin. He has a lot of work ahead of him but he’s going to look forward to earning Tōru’s love.

There’s a nervous energy between them as they sit on the lounge chair holding hands. 

“So you really are bi?” Tōru asks softly.

“Yeah, I realized during a crazy party during spring break of my 1st year of college. Met a guy named Sam, he brought me a drink and then kissed me.”

“Was he blond?” Tōru asks, interlocking their fingers. 

“Honestly, he was wearing a beanie, I was drunk and had just really liked kissing a guy. I think I thanked him and walked home in a daze. I immediately wrote it down in the journal to remember it in the morning,” Hajime says, pulling Tōru closer. 

Another silence falls between them. The furrow of Toru’s brow hints at a question that he wants to ask but is afraid to hear the answer to. 

“Iwa-chan…” 

It has been so long since he’s heard his nickname leave Toru’s lips that he almost kissed him right then and there. 

“Iwa-chan, I got married. And divorced. And I’ve slept around a lot. I don’t feel whole or like a good enough person for you. I’ve got a lot of baggage. Are you sure about this?” 

Hajime watches Toru’s eyes drop as he says the hard words.

“Hey, Shittykawa, look at me.” 

“So rude.” 

Hajime laughs at the familiar banter. 

“Seriously, Tōru, look at me,” he says, lifting Toru’s chin with his finger so that they are looking eye to eye.

“I don’t care that you got married or divorced. Was it hard to watch at the time? Sure, but we can’t go into this with any regrets or second guessing. I’m no saint, Tōru. I have my own baggage and am still working through being bisexual and Japanese but I want to be better at your side. I want to work through the baggage and put it away, one piece at a time.”

Tōru’s eyes fill with tears again, as he nods in agreement. 

Iwaizumi places his hands alongside Tōru’s jaw, using his thumb to wipe the tears away.

Quietly, he says, “I’ve known Oikawa and Shittykawa, but I’d really like to get to know Tōru.”

A sob shudders through Tōru as he tries to laugh, “Iwa-chan, who knew you were such a romantic. Can you please kiss me?”   
  


Iwaizumi’s smile beams as he leans in to kiss Tōru on the cheek.   
  


“I’ve gotta earn that first kiss. At least let me take you out on a date first.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all survived this rollercoaster ride! Thank you to Twitter for giving me this fabulous idea. Find me on Twitter @bcain171 for more nonsense like this. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated. Let me know what letter you liked/hated!


End file.
